Features

Easing the burden

04 November 2009

The funeral director is there to help you

When we lose a loved one we place our faith in the funeral director to make all the arrangements. But just what goes in to arranging a funeral? Neil Haverson went behind the scenes to find out

From the age of about 40, funerals begin to feature more and more in our lives. We go along to services, pay our respects and move on. We don't spare more than a fleeting thought to what has gone in to arranging the funeral and ensuring everything will run smoothly. What do we get for our money? Graham Barber of Gordon Barber Funeral Services opened up the doors of his funeral homes and invited me to see for myself.

Says Graham: “Sixty years ago there were around 50 undertakers in Norwich. They worked out of their own homes. They were often in the building trade; they had the labour to dig a grave and the labour to make the coffin. The local nurse would lay the deceased out. There were carriage masters who would hire out hearses and limousines. There were very few options. But the industry has been 'professionalised' and we are now solely responsible for caring for the deceased. Funeral directors have their own fleets of vehicles.”

At Barbers, the service is available 24/7 all year. Two members of staff are on call evenings and weekends to make out of hours funeral arrangements and organise evening visits to the chapel of rest.

A funeral costs around £2,500. Of course, it can be cheaper - and much more expensive. This variation in price is down to the enormous choice available.

Funeral manager Rachael Barber, Graham's daughter, explains: “The funeral is tailored to what the client wants and can afford. It's not a tick box situation. We'll spend a couple of hours with the family building up a picture of what will take place.

“There is so much choice. Take transport, there are Landrover hearses, motorcycle and sidecar; you can even have a fire engine! And we cater for all religions and cultures; Jehovah Witnesses, Catholic, Church of England, Muslim, Methodist, Mormon and non-religious.”

But if you think the cost is expensive, consider what funeral directors do - and it's all included in the bill - that takes a huge burden

off the bereaved family's shoulders when they are least able to cope.

They deal with ministers, coroners, the crematorium, transport, legal paperwork, flowers, newspaper announcements, music, service

sheets, venues for the wake; the list goes on.

Planning is carried out to the finest detail, timing is critical. The bereaved don't want to be kept waiting and service times must be met. How long does it take for a coach and horses to travel from the funeral home to the family's home and on to the crematorium? What if there's a traffic holdup?

“We time things to the last minute,” says Rachael. “We drive the routes. And we only have a week to ten days to do everything.”

Support for the family is key.

Home visits can be arranged but

the rooms at the funeral home are

laid out like lounges with sofas and armchairs providing an informal atmosphere.

“You never know what situation you'll face,” says Rachael. “You have to assess instantly how to approach a family. The may be angry, distressed or very formal. We have to establish which family member is taking responsibility, and mediate if there is a problem - like the choice of music. This requires special skills. You can train staff to fill in forms but dealing with families is down to personal attributes. Staff are trained in chapel of rest visits - what to say and how

to prepare the family to see their loved one.”

There is a strict identity procedure which is policed by the Client Record, a document which follows the deceased throughout their time

at the funeral home. This ensures there are no mix-ups. An identity band is placed on the wrist and whenever the deceased is moved

they must be signed in and out. Personal effects are recorded and signed off by the family and the funeral home.

A final signature is required as the coffin is placed in the hearse to confirm identification, any special instructions, coffin type and the correct nameplate is on the coffin - if that differs to the paperwork, the crematorium will refuse to handle it.

And there's more to organise for the funeral service. Do the family want to sit in particular seats? Do they want to scatter soil or roses on the coffin? Are the service sheets and grave cross there?

A phone call is made to the family the night before the funeral to make sure they are satisfied with the arrangements.

“The client service continues way after the funeral,” says Rachael. “We can help with memorials; we handle donations to charity and placing acknowledgments in the newspaper.”

Graham Barber adds: “At a time when they are facing a test of adversity, it brings out the basic goodness in people.”

Meet the people

Funeral staff perform three main roles. A funeral operative will help prepare for the funeral, drive the hearse and bear the coffin. The funeral arranger handles all the contact with the family, planning, paperwork; everything up to the funeral. Here the funeral director takes over to manage the funeral itself. He or she will stay with the family until they are ready to leave the church and, if they have a limousine, drive them to the wake.

It is clear that people who work in this profession see it as a vocation not just a job.

“People either stay a couple of days and realise it's not for them or they're here for years,” says Rachael Barber.

It is clear the staff get tremendous job satisfaction from supporting a family at such a difficult time.

Carole Durrant directs and arranges funerals and came to the business following work in administration. Carole has been with Barber's 14 years and says she feels privileged to do the job. Recently she suffered a bereavement. Dealing with funerals everyday, how did she cope with one of her own?

“It helped,” she says. “Knowing what goes on, that everything would run smoothly helped me cope.”

Tim Woods has 15 years service to his credit. Tim is a local manager and funeral director for Barbers.

“We can have up to seven funerals in a day. We have had as many as nine. It's really rewarding for the team when you reach the end of the day and everything's gone smoothly.

The place that doesn't exist; that's how Daniel Westhorpe describes the Service Centre. Here the deceased is embalmed and prepared; families will indeed probably be unaware the building exists. Daniel and his sister Debbie Green are responsible for the work here. Debbie has been embalming for 17 years, 12 at Gordon Barber's. It was something she wanted to do since she was a child.

She says: “I was eight years old and supposed to be in bed. I went downstairs and World in Action was on television. It was about road accidents and it followed an accident through to the embalming. I thought: 'I could do that'.

Debbie points out that embalming is not just for preservation purposes but for sanitary reasons as well. She is highly skilled at her job which includes facial reconstruction following accidents or disease such as cancer. To do this, part of her training involved studying anatomy - and, of course, her art includes make-up and hair.

“Less is more. You mustn't overdo it. Families want to see their loved ones as they remember them.”

It was Debbie who got Daniel involved.

“We were short of a pall bearer and I said: 'My brother will do that.'”

And so Daniel joined his sister. Is there any sibling rivalry?

“Sometime we go all day and hardly speak,” Debbie chuckles. “We just know what the other is thinking!”

Alison White was a PA in a nursing home when she attended one of the seminars which Gordon Barber's run for their staff and others such as nurses. After nine years with the company Alison has been appointed manager of the firm's new branch at Eaton on the Norwich outskirts.

“I love it,” Alison exclaims. “You have to want to get involved. Some people will really pour their hearts out. You get their life's history.”

But if you get involved, can you switch off at the end of the day?

“It took me a couple of years but when I get in my car to go home, I have quiet. That's my way of clearing my head. In the morning I have music on and that puts me into

work mode.”

The unexplained

Graham Barber says he has heard many times tales of clocks stopping and lights going out at the very moment someone dies.

One of his spookiest tales is of the man whose wife had died and was in the chapel of rest.

“We were having some building work done,” Graham recalls. “We had it done at night to avoid disruption during the day. One morning this man came in and said: 'Can you stop all the knocking at night'. I asked if he had been there at night. He said no his wife had told him and it was disturbing her.

“And he also said: 'My wife says you should get some black stretchers. She says you moved her on a green one.' He was right. He could not have

known that!”

The mourner's view

When Ben Greenwood's father and mother died, Graham Barber arranged and conducted both funerals.

Ben's father was well-known in charity circles, raising money with the Lions. Lots of people attended the funeral; the Lions draped a flag over

the coffin. In contrast, the funeral for Ben's mother was a much gentler

affair.

Says Ben: “It was more intimate. The funeral was astonishingly memorable; it was brilliant. Barbers came to the house and Graham walked in front of the car. It was lovely and slow and we all walked behind. My children didn't come to Dad's funeral we thought they were too young but they came to Mum's and walked behind the car to the cemetery. It was so special; time stood still, it was very plain and simple. I can fondly remember Mum going.

“Graham was a picture of elegance! Mum would have appreciated that.”

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